The fight

So I quit smoking back in March, about a week before I got pregnant. I struggled for a month to quit. I would put the patch on and do very well during the week. Then March began and so did working Saturdays.....

I cheated on Saturdays, I would "forget" to put the patch on. I say "forget", because I would have one in my purse. I would get to work and have a cigarette, (from the pack that hung out at the back of one my desk drawers), then I would work for awhile. Nobody knew I was trying to quit, (I didn't want the stares when I broke down), so down I would go on Saturdays and nobody was the wiser.

As most people know, we had a tough time getting pregnant, and in the end had help. So with the end of March drawing near, knowing that we had paid alot of money to get help, it was important to me that I quit. One for the health of the baby (now babies) and two I didn't want to spend a whole bunch of money and have it fail because I was smoking.

So with days to go, I just bucked up and stopped messing around. We got pregnant on the first try. That isn't the end of my struggle. By mid April I had very bad morning sickness, so not smoking was easy. Then my doctor gave me medication for the morning sickness (it was that bad), and the cravings returned.

Now, I love my coffee, so I still drank 2 cups in the morning. That was all I allowed myself and all the books I read said it was ok. Now if you are or have been a smoker and a coffee drinker, you'll know how tough that first cup of coffee was each day. But I cherished it. Slowly the desire to smoke with that coffee diminished but never went away.

The only thing that kept me from smoking again was the fact that we had tried so hard for these babies and now they were finally created. At the beginning it was, I can't smoke because I don't want to miscarry, then it became, I can't smoke because I want them to develop properly. When we found out with twins they tend to come early, it was, I can't smoke because they need to be as big a possible. It was hard, but I succeeded.

Now.....I'm not pregnant. I had told Glenn from the beginning, I will quit while I am pregnant, but I can't make any promises once the babies arrive. Well they are here and they are 16 days old!!! The first week was ok, still too groggy to think about it much, then last week I had an Eggnog Latte from Starbucks. That kicked in my craving.

I still haven't broken down and I'm trying my hardest. You know what goes through my head? What will the nurses think if I show up smelling like smoke? Do I really want my boys smelling the stink in the limited time I have with them? "Mommy sure doesn't smell nice today."

It really isn't about my health as I have never thought about that, and I never cared what anybody thought before...ask my husband, he loves that fact that I don't smoke now (April is 5 years for him), but it seems now I do care what people think.

So I will fight the fight for now. Maybe I will overcome it, maybe I won't. Glenn said once, everybody has to have a bad habit......seems I don't have one anymore. Anyone care to suggest one?